


I'll wait for you: Alt. ending

by winstonlives



Series: I'll wait for you [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Break Up, Crying, Edging, Future, Happy Ending, M/M, Making Love, Panic, Songfic, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:11:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7984636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winstonlives/pseuds/winstonlives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an alternate ending to "I'll wait for you" should be read after chapter 3 of that work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you have not read "I'll wait for you" you should otherwise you won't really know what happened to instigate this turn of events. I suggest you read up to chapter 3 of it then come back to this one. 
> 
> Also it happened to actually fit the Adele song "All I ask" give it a listen. It was unintentional but it works. 
> 
> Please note I only reread this once and wrote it all in one day, so if there are errors/typos etc I'm sorry.

The next morning Dan woke to a still empty room. His eyes were swollen from crying himself to sleep. He looked at his phone to realize it died sometime in the middle of the night. He ran to get the charger, what if Phil had texted and he didn’t respond? He plugged it in and waited for it to turn back on...no new messages. His lip began to quiver and tears started to rise, but he took a deep breath and went to the bathroom to shower and begin getting ready for the day. How was the show going to work tonight, and the meet and greet? 

Dan was just finishing straightening his hair when his phone beeped indicating he received a text. He dropped the straightener and ran to his phone. 

Manager:  
The car will be arriving to pick you up in thirty minutes. A notification will be sent when it is there.

Dan threw the phone, hitting the carpet then bouncing into the wall. He went to finish his hair. He debated ordering some breakfast but he just couldn’t bare the thought of the first person he talked to, be a random stranger, when the only person he wanted to talk to was not talking to him. He walked over and found his miraculously unbroken phone and sent out a text. 

Dan:  
The car is coming in a little bit. They are sending a notice when it gets here. Meet me in the lobby? 

 

He waited, but received no response, the next message to come to his phone told him the car had arrived and was waiting. He picked up his bag, and left the room alone. The car was waiting when he got down to the lobby, but Phil was not there. 

 

Dan:  
The car is here. 

He waited once again for a response. Nothing came. 

Dan:  
I’m leaving in 5 minutes if you don't get down here. 

Five minutes later the car was pulling away from the curb, on it’s way to the theatre. Only Dan and the driver inside. 

Dan:  
I left. 

He arrived at the theatre, in the lobby his manager was waiting to show him around. She eventually brought him to the dressing room, and left him standing outside. She didn’t question why Phil was absent during the tour. Dan opened the door to find Phil sat in a pouffy chair reading something on his phone, he did not look up. Dan’s heart dropped. 

“Hi.” Dan said as he walked farther into the room. He dropped his bag onto a chair. Phil acted as though nothing was said. “Phil, please talk to me. I’m so sorry. I was awful yesterday and I crossed a line. I love you so much, please do something, say something, this is torture.” Dan began to cry softly as he sat in the other poufy chair that faced Phil’s. 

“I’m sorry too, and I love you. But I don’t think I can keep doing this.” Phil said looking up finally from his phone. Dan could see that he was not the only one to have spent the night crying. Phil’s puffy eyes indicated as much. 

“What does that mean? Can’t keep doing what? The tour?” Dan said wiping his eyes. 

“I think we should break up.” 

If Dan wasn't sitting he would have fallen over. He was sure his heart had stopped as soon as the words ‘break up’ were uttered. “What?” 

“You heard me. I really think we should break up. I think it best if we do.” Phil said looking down tears silently flowing down his cheeks.

“Why? We just had a fight, we fight sometimes. We can work through this Phil. Please don’t do this.” Dan was trying to remain calm, but seeing Phil cry was very disconcerting. Phil never cried. 

“Dan, I think it would be best that when we get back to London I move out. You can keep the flat, I talked to Martin already, and he said I could stay with him until I find a place for myself.” Phil stood up to grab a tissue box from the little vanity table that was in the room. He took a tissue for himself and handed the box to Dan. 

Dan began to sob, Phil had already made plans on moving out. What was happening? He felt like he was sliding down a drain, unable to get purchase on anything to save himself. 

“Dan please calm down. Let me explain. We can still be friends and keep our combined channels, but I think for a while we should just stop everything. Just for a bit, let us get over the relationship we have. Otherwise I am afraid we would just fall back into it. I think...no I know that this is really best, for both of us.”

“But why Phil, why do you think it’s best?” Dan said taking a shuddering breath, trying to calm down enough to speak. “I don’t understand.” 

“It’s just the whole coming out thing. I know you won’t want to wait forever for me to come out and eventually it will poison the rest of our relationship. I don’t want you to resent me, and if we stay together that is what will happen. Then eventually we will hate each other and I don’t think I could handle that. I don’t want to lose you in my life altogether and if we stay like this we eventually will. I can’t bare the thought of one day you hating me. It is better to break up now, when we still care about each other, and like each other.”

“But I won’t resent you!” Dan said starting to panic. “I love you and if you never come out it will be fine. Really.” Dan said reaching out to touch Phil’s arm. 

“You will, and I can’t handle that. Look at what it has already done to us. One day we will have a fight about it and say things that we won't be able to forgive. If we break up now we still can keep our friendship.” Phil pulled his arm gently from Dan’s grasp. 

“How can we just go from what we are to just friends Phil. I don’t think it’s possible.” Dan said shaking his head. “And what about the rest of the Tour? If we break up, I don’t know how I can act like nothing's wrong when you are still there all the time.” 

“You can, I have seen you acting, and you can act like everything is fine for our fans. It would ruin it for them if they saw something was wrong.” 

“I don’t think I am that good of an actor Phil.” Dan looked at his hands. 

“You’ll be fine, it’s for them remember.” Phil stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. 

____

The show and the meet and greet went fine. Dan almost broke down a few times but kept it together. They returned to the hotel and Phil left Dan at the lift and walked down the hall to his own room. They didn’t speak to each other since the dressing room before the show.

As soon as Dan entered his own hotel room, he burst into sobs, messy almost unable to breath sobs. He collapsed on the floor by the door unable to make it to the bed. He sobbed until he made himself sick, and had to get up and run into the bathroom to throw up. He sank to the floor crying, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his breathing ragged. He hugged his arms around himself and lay down on the cool tiles. His breathing slowed and eventually his tears subsided. Hiccoughing he rose and stipped off his clothes and climbed into the shower. He sat on the floor of the tub as he let the water wash over his clammy skin. 

The water started to run cold so he reached up to turn it off, and climbed out. He wrapped himself with a towel and walked to the bed. He pulled the duvet back and lay down, not bothering to put on any clothes. He shut his eyes and dozed off. It was still early but he didn't care, he didn't care about anything anymore. 

About an hour later he woke to his phone beeping in the bathroom. He went to retrieve it from his jeans on the floor. He read the awaiting message as he went back to the bed. 

Phil:  
Can I come see you? 

Dan:  
Why?

Phil:  
Because I’m worried about you. And I’m sad. 

Dan:  
I’m fine Phil. 

Phil:  
I would like to see you. 

Dan:  
Fine. 

A few seconds later Dan’s hotel room opened, Dan forgot the Phil had a key. Dan was still naked, having no time to put clothes on. Phil stopped in his tracks. “Oh sorry, ummm I can come back in a minute.” He began to turn back out the door. 

“It’s fine Phil, not like you haven't seen it before,” Dan said as he covered himself with the sheets.

Phil looked down at the floor and walked over to the loveseat that was by the window. “Dan, how are you? And don’t say fine. I know you're not fine. I’m not fine.”

“What do you want me to say, Phil? I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m miserable.” Dan said wiping his eyes. “I am all of those things. I feel like my life has been ripped apart and the person I want to run to for comfort is the same person who made me feel that way in the first place. I feel lost, like I will never feel happy again. I know that is dramatic but that is how I feel.”

“Oh, Dan…” Phil said, sniffing. He was crying quietly. “I’m sorry. I feel the same way. All I want to do is run to you and have you hold me and make me feel better. I also want to hold you to make you feel better.” 

“Phil. Will you just hold me, as a friend? I just need something to make me feel like I’m not falling through the floor.” 

Phil got up and crossed the room. He sat next to Dan and wrapped his arms around him. They held each other and cried. Eventually Phil got up and came back once again with a tissue box. He sat back down and handed one to Dan. Phil reached up and smoothed Dan’s hair. Dan looked at him with swollen bloodshot eyes. 

They sat together in silence for awhile, shoulders pressed together. Dan leaned over and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder and sighed. Phil turned his head, and kissed the brown hair that was tickling his neck, making tears begin to flow again. Silently they cried. Phil wrapped his arm across Dan’s shoulder and pulled him in tight. 

Eventually the tears stopped, and they sat in silence just being with each other. “Thank you Phil, for doing this. I don't think I could handle it if you weren't here.”

“Me either.” Phil said finally taking his arm from around Dan and leaned back on the head board. “I think maybe I should go back to my room now.” 

“Phil, do you think… that maybe…” Dan said tentatively, “ That maybe we can ummm, I don’t know what I’m saying.” Dan said leaning forward putting his head in his hands. 

“What Dan? I’ll do anything.” 

“No, I’m sorry. Just forget it.” 

“No, really. You can tell me.” Phil said placing his hand on Dan’s bare shoulder. 

“I..I just was maybe hoping that maybe we could make love one last time. A kind of goodbye. I just feel like I need that. I need to be able to remember it. What if this is it for me? I mean I love you so much, what if I never find that again, and I need to have a memory of it.” The words at first were halting, but then spilled from him as though a plug from a drain had been ripped free. 

“Dan...I’m so sorry, but I really don’t think that is a good idea. I think we should just make as clean of a break as we can considering the circumstances.” Phil said. He stood up from the bed and took a step back. 

Dan looked up at Phil his eyes filling with tears, but nodded. “I guess. I knew it was stupid.” 

“It wasn't stupid. Don’t say that. I just think it will make it that much harder.” Phil said quietly. “I think I should go. Will you be okay?”

“I think so. I mean as okay as I can be. I really don’t want you to leave, but I understand if you do.” Dan said laying back against the headboard. 

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Text me if you need anything.” Phil turned to leave. 

“Goodnight Phil, I love you.” 

Phil stopped his hand on the door, he did not turn around, “I love you too.” He opened the door and left. He stood in the hallway for a minute. He could hear sobs come from inside the room. He sank to the floor, his back against the door and listened, tears silently falling down his face. He could hear Dan’s sobs turn into retching, he stood, turned and unlocked the door again. Dan was once again in the bathroom throwing up. Phil not hesitating picked up one of the glasses next to the sink and filled it with cold water. He walked into the bathroom where Dan was slumped still naked against the wall. 

“Here, babe, drink this.” 

“Please don’t call me that anymore, I can’t take it.” Dan said taking the glass, “Why are you even here? 

“I couldn't really leave, I was in the hall and heard you getting sick.” 

“Oh.” Dan said blushing drinking the entire glass of water. 

“Do you think you can make it back to the bed?” Phil said. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. You can go.” 

“I want to make sure you’re okay. Do you think you’ll be sick again?” Phil said looking worried. 

“No, I don’t really have anything else to throw up anyway. I was sick before. That’s why I am naked, I had to take a shower.” 

Phil forgetting that Dan was naked, was now very aware of it. He cleared his throat. “Should I turn on the water for you? Would you like to take another shower? Or do you want to get back in bed.” 

“Um I think I do want to rinse off, so yeah you can start the water I guess. You can leave if you want. I’ll be okay now Phil. Honest. After I am done in the shower I’m just going to get in bed and go to sleep.” 

“Okay. I think I will wait though if you don’t mind.” 

“It’s fine. You can stay.”

Phil started the shower and helped a shaky Dan stand up. He was a bit unsteady from getting sick. “Are you sure you can stand in here and not fall over?” Phil said concerned. 

“Yes, Phil. I’m just a little shaky.”

“Okay, I’ll just wait until your done and then go back to my room, just to make sure.” 

“Fine.” 

Phil left the bathroom and sat at the end of the bed as he waited for Dan to come out again. About ten minutes passed and the water turned off. Dan came out wearing a towel wrapped around his hips, water still dripping. “I didn’t die Phil, you can go now if you want.”

Phil stood up and walked to Dan. He took Dan’s face in his hands, looked him in the eyes and gently kissed his lips. 

Dan pulled away, stepping back. “Why?” 

“I had to, just one more time. I had to just kiss you once more.” Phil said his hand tangled together awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t handle it if you do things like that Phil.” Dan said walking past him. He went to the sink, and picked up his toothbrush. He brushed his teeth and watched Phil via the mirror. He put his brush down and turned. “If the last time we ever kiss...I want to have a clean mouth, I was just throwing up.” He crossed to Phil and kissed him. He kissed him as if Phil was air and he was drowning. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck pulling him in as close as he could. Tears once again stinging his eyes. Phil’s hands went to his sides, eventually meeting at the center of his back. 

Dan pulled away, tears streaming. “Goodnight Phil.” He said dismissively. He turned and sat on the bed. Phil stood thinking for a moment, before he went to Dan. 

“One last time? Just to say goodbye? I know I won’t have this again. I’ll never be able to love anyone as much as I do you.” Phil bit his lip. “Do you think we can do this? I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.” 

“I don’t care if it makes it worse. I think I need it in order to breathe” Dan said leaning in to kiss Phil again. 

Their kiss grew passionate and the tears stopped. Dan slid his hand beneath Phil’s shirt, gently stroking the smooth skin. Phil moaned quietly. He leaned back to allow the removal of his shirt. As soon as it was off, their mouths crashed together once more. Dan reached down and took off his towel, then moved to undo Phil’s jeans. Phil stood removing his jeans and boxers. He pulled Dan to stand in front of him pressing their bodies together next to the bed. Phil ran his hands over Dan’s body, taking care to remember each curve and angle. He kissed Dan’s neck, his shoulders, his chest, working his way slowly down his body. Phil on his knees in front of Dan began kissing his thighs, his lower stomach and his hips, all but avoiding the place Dan was desperate for him to touch. Phil stood and turned Dan around forcing him onto the bed on hands and knees. 

Phil ran his hands down Dan’s body, lovingly stroking the smooth skin. He kneeled behind Dan his erection pressing into the crack. He slowly moved his hips as he gently massaged the cheeks. He pulled back. He leaned forward and placed kisses down Dan’s back as he continued to massage Dan’s ass and thighs. He worked his mouth down until he found Dan’s entrance. He place a kiss there, and Dan let out a gasp, letting himself drop to his elbows.

Phil’s tongue lapped at the tight pucker feeling it begin to loosen, he pushed in and lapped at the walls inside. Dan groaned, pushing back into Phil. He joined his tongue with a finger beginning to heighten the stretch. He worked his tongue and finger in tandem waiting to push in another. Eventually he pulled back placing kisses over the smooth cheeks as he inserted the third and final finger pumping them slowing, twisting his wrist searching for Dan’s prostate. The second his fingertips brushed against the sensitive gland causing Dan to moan and push back harder. 

Phil pumped himself with his other hand as he watched his fingers disappear in and out of Dan. He slowly pulled them out and leaned forward once more to slip his tongue in and lick into Dan for the last time. 

“Where is the lube?” Phil said standing to go and get it. 

“I don’t want any. I want to feel everything.” Dan said rolling onto his back. Phil nodded understanding what Dan meant and climbed back on the bed kneeling between Dan’s splayed legs. He tipped forward catching himself on his elbows bringing their faces together. Their mouths and tongues danced together, knowing that this was to be the last time. Phil, his full weight pressing down onto Dan, their cocks pressed between them, he began to rock his hips to provide some much wanted friction. Dan moaned into his mouth. 

Dan pulled away needing to breath, Phil not skipping a beat, kissed his cheek, and down his neck. “Phil please, I need you in me. I need to feel you in me.”

Phil did not stop kissing his neck as his moved his hips enough to angle his penis to bump against Dan’s entrance. Dan reached down and guided him in. Slowly Phil pushed. Dan winced, the lack of lubrication doing exactly as he wanted. As soon as Phil bottomed out he stopped and looked at Dan to make sure he was okay. Their eyes met, and Dan gave him a weak smile. “I’m good Phil. You can move.”

Slowy Phil moved his hips thrusting deep, but did not look away. They kept eye contact even as Phil picked up his pace and started to pound faster and faster into Dan. “Phil...Phil...I’m close Phil.” Dan moaned Phil stopped suddenly and pulled out grasping the base of Dan’s cock, stopping his orgasm. Phil leaned down to kiss Dan licking into his mouth. Dan eventually pulled away, “Why did you stop?” 

“I want this to last as long as possible, if this is the last time we make love, I am going to make it last. Are you ready to start again? Or are you still close?” 

“Oh. We can start again. I’m ready.” With that Phil tipped his hips again and pushed in. Slowly he began rocking his hips. He changed angles slightly and brushed up against Dan’s prostate. Dan caught his breath. “Kiss me Phil, please kiss me.” 

Phil rejoined their lips, as he pumped deeper and deeper into Dan each thrust getting them closer and closer to the inevitable. Phil suddenly stopped and pulled out. He sat back on his heals and gripped tightly at the base of his own penis. He reached forward and slowly ran his free hand over Dan’s thighs, then with a loose hand encircled Dan’s cock, slowly stroking it. His eyes traveling over Dan’s body willing himself to memorize everything. “There will be no one more beautiful than you. No one I will love more than you. No one.” He said as he began to cry still holding his cock in his hand. 

Dan sat up, and pulled Phil’s mouth to his. He wiped the tears from his face and smiled with tears in his own eyes. “I feel the same way. Lay down now, I want to make love to you, let me get the lube.” He said as he went to get the small bottle from his night bag. Phil lay down on his back, his legs spread, Dan kneeled between them. Dan let his hands and eyes wonder over Phil’s body. He ran his hand gently up the bottom of Phil’s red throbbing shaft. He leaned forward and kissed Phil’s mouth but did not linger. He worked his way down his body eventually taking Phil’s cock in his mouth. He took him in until his nose was pressed into the dark hair at its base. He opened his throat and bobbed his head until Phil reached down to grab the base once more. Dan pulled off and licked the tip before sitting back on his heals, and poured some lube onto his fingers. He leaned forward and pressed kisses to Phil’s hips and thighs as he circled his finger tip again Phil’s entrance, eventually he pushed in, as he did so he sucked a hickey onto his inner thigh. He pumped his finger adding a second and then finally a third when Phil was ready. 

“I’m ready, Dan please, I need to feel you in me.” Phil said almost begging. 

Dan took his fingers out and used the remaining lube to rub over his cock. He moved forward and pressed the tip to Phil, letting it slowly slip in. He stopped with just the head buried inside as he leaned over pressing their bodies together making eye contact once again. He moved slowly pushing in letting Phil adjust to his length, kissing him as he did so. As soon as he bottomed out he pulled back and pushed in slowly. Phil tipped his hips so that Dan would brush against his prostate. “Faster, please.” 

Dan did as requested and began to pound into Phil. He sat up onto his knees and gripped Phil’s hips. He grabbed Phil’s cock and pumped it in unison with his thrusts. Phil reached down after a while and pulled Dan’s hand off his cock, he once again gripped the base. “I’m close.” 

“I want to ride you Phil.” Dan pulled out and went to position himself over Phil. He reached between his legs and guided Phil back into his ass. He sank down forcing Phil in deeper and deeper. He rocked forward and allowed Phil to pump into him while they kissed. Dan moaned at every thrust, Phil pumped faster and faster. Dan sat up stopping all movement, Phil could feel his muscles tense around him. “I want you to cum in me Phil, I want to feel you fill me up.” 

Phil grabbed his hips and rolled them keeping himself buried deep inside. Without stopping he began to pound faster into Dan pushing him farther and farther up the bed. He gripped Dan’s shoulders to stop him from being pushed away. He looked into Dan’s eyes, both knowing they were almost there. “Cum in me Phil. Please one last time I want to feel you cum.” Dan began to cry, he wrapped his legs tight around Phil’s hips bringing him in as close as possible. Phil pounded harder and harder until finally his body shuddered, as he came hard, buried deep inside Dan. He cried as he came. Dan came as Phil’s hips jerked, and he let out a sob as Phil collapsed over him completely spent. Together they cried holding each other. Phil still inside him but was becoming flaccid as time passed, eventually Dan’s muscles would force him out. 

They held each other until the inevitable separation happened and Dan could feel Phil’s cum leaking out on to the sheets. He clenched trying to keep it inside as long as possible. Phil could feel him struggle and reached down to push what he could back inside. Both feeling like as soon as Dan was empty it was really over. Almost beginning to panic Dan reached down as well, they both tried to stop the slow release of the last evidence of their lovemaking. Eventually they stopped realizing that was not what was important. Dan sobbed as the last of it left him. Phil held him as he cried silently. It was the end. It was done. The last time that they would love each other like this. It felt final, like something had died. They lay together crying until eventually Dan fell asleep. Phil watched his eyes close and his breathing even out. 

He leaned over and kissed Dan on the forehead before he removed himself from the bed, Dan rolled over but did not wake. “Good night Dan, I love you, I’m so sorry.” He whispered before he silently put on his clothes and went back to his own room.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They return to London and Phil moves out. A lot of tears are shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's sad. You have been warned.

It had been weeks since they had returned to London. Dan was living alone in the flat, and Phil was staying at his brother's place until he found a more permanent living situation. Communication between the two was kept at a minimum anything work related either went through Martin, or their management. If it was personal it, well, it just didn't happen. Not until Phil found a new apartment, and had to inform Dan that he would be coming to the flat to pick up the rest of his stuff. 

Phil:   
I found a new apartment. Will it be okay if me and Martin come round tomorrow at noon and start moving my stuff out? 

Dan:   
Sure. 

Phil:   
Will you be there? 

Dan:  
I don't know....

Phil:   
OK

Dan:  
Do you want me to be?

Phil:   
Not sure. Mixed feelings on that. 

Dan:  
Same 

Dan put his phone down and stared off into space for a while. A numb feeling washing over him. This was it. Tomorrow the apartment was going to be void of Phil entirely. Dan had only cried a little since they came back. Late at night, when he was extra tired, an intense loneliness would hit him and he would internally crumple. He had kept Phil's door shut most of the time, but on those occasions he would open it and stand in the threshold. He would look in, willing himself to believe that Phil was just out, visiting family, on a milk run, anything but the truth, that Phil was not coming back. Now however, after tomorrow the room would be empty of Phil things, then what would he do when the loneliness enveloped him? It scared him. The idea of being alone. Not just in the sense of what if there would be a break in, or some kind of supernatural fear, but a fear of loneliness its self. 

He debated getting train tickets to visit his family for a while, but then he would have to return to a house full of empty space. He didn't think he could handle that either. Then he contemplated having someone come stay for a bit, but there again was the day that person was going to leave and he would once again be alone. He was alone and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Everywhere he looked in the place would remind him of what he had lost. Either by a lack of Phil things, or a memory of Phil. The kitchen, eating cereal, baking, and cooking dinner together. The lounge, where they watched innumerable movies and shows. Where they ate almost all their meals. Where they snuggled together on cold winter nights and mornings. Where they made love on almost every surface; horizontal and vertical. Where they had a few good rows before making up again. The bathroom where they watched themselves in the mirror, as they made love in the shower. Just one time, because it was a little too dangerous they decided after slipping and almost breaking their necks. The sink where Phil would daily leave the little plastic pot for his contacts, which drove Dan crazy, but now he wished with all his heart was still there. The back of the toilet door and 1D poster staring, which was still a source of a good laugh when someone new went in. Dan's room where they filmed videos together, made love together, worked together. Where Dan taught himself new songs to play on the piano, and Phil would come in and just listen in silence for a while. Then lean over and kiss Dan's forehead and leave again. Not saying a word, but also saying so much. The office, where they started their first channel together. Where they had some of the most fun, and made the most noise. Where they scared the crap out each other playing scary games. Where they actually filmed themselves that one time, just to experiment a little bit. It was hot and awkward all at the same time and they both enjoyed watching it one last time before they permanently deleted it so there could be absolutely no accidents. 

Then finally Phil's room. Really their room.With that ugly wicker bed that reminded them of old lady knitting baskets, but the mattress was the best so they used it the most. The room was also quieter than Dan's because it wasn't on the main street. It was also where they set up the big TV so that they could watch movies in bed and cuddle. That trunk that held secrets that what seemed like the whole of the internet speculated over at one point or another. Mostly it held boring stuff, extra sheets and towels, and some props for videos. But it also held some Photos that they would never share with anyone besides each other, and some other little toys they only had used once, then decided they weren't for them. This room where Phil put things to represent his quirks to the world and where he filmed his videos. This room that held the most important memories of all because it was Phil's room. Phil's. And tomorrow it would be no one's. It would be called the spare room, like it never held any meaning whatsoever, Like it was just there to hold random crap until company came over. Tomorrow that blue and green duvet would be gone, the stupid smiley face emoji pillows, those damn furbies, the trunk full of mysteries, and worst of all Phil. Dan could no longer stand in the door and lie to himself about how Phil was coming back from a run to Tesco's at any moment. 

After a while Dan went into Phil's room for the first time since he returned to London. He stood  
in the center of the room, trying to soak in the feel one last time. The homey comfortable smell forever to be associated with Phil, kind of like spicy-wood, and paper, and a hint of caramel because he insisted on using cola scented soap. Just the overall feeling of warmth and comfort when he walked in, all the little things that added up to equal Phil's room, a place of love and happiness. Dan went to the bed and lay on top of the duvet, just feeling it. It felt just like his but it wasn't his, so it was different. Tears started to flow slowly and silently, they slid back and went into his ears and hair and down his neck, so he rolled to his side and curled into a ball and cried pressing his face into the pillows. 

Would he be able to handle being here when Phil and Martin packed it all up and left? Or would it be worse if he left before they got there and then returned to an empty flat? Both options made his breath catch, and cause gasping sobs to escape his lips. Both options were the worst case scenario. 

_____

“Is he going to be there when we pack it all up?” Martin asked quietly as he watched Phil’s reaction to the last text he read. 

“He’s not sure.” Phil said turning with tears welling up in his eyes. 

“He would be if you asked him to be, you know.” 

“I know, but I’m not sure I want that. Might make it all the more difficult you know?” Phil wiped the tears that treacherously dropped. “I want him there and I don’t. I want to see him so much, but I want to see him happy and himself, but I know he won’t be that Dan. I think my heart may break if I see him cry again. If I make him cry again.” Phil sat back into the couch, looking once again at his phone. Willing a new message to pop up. 

______

 

It was a quarter to Noon and Dan was in a panic. He had ran every scenario he could imagine over and over in his mind. Should he stay or go? He felt helpless. He had no one to run to to ask, because the person he wanted to ask most was the one person he couldn't ask. His phone dinged indicating a text. 

 

Phil:   
We’ll be there in about 15. Will you be there? 

Dan read it over again… will he be there? Or will he have left? He couldn’t tell from the text if Phil wanted him there or not. 

Dan:   
I can’t decide if I should go or not. :’( 

Phil:  
I can’t decide for you. 

Dan:   
I know, but I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I’m afraid Phil. 

Phil:  
I know. I am too. 

Dan read the last message. 

Dan:   
I think I am going to go...I don’t think I can handle watching it. 

Phil:   
Okay, I understand. Should I let you know when we are done?

Dan:   
Yes, please. 

Dan grabbed his bag that he had already packed, with laptop, charger, headphones, wallet and keys. He walked out into the fall breeze and headed to the nearest coffee shop. He could hole up there and browse the web until he got the all clear to return home. Home? Would it still feel like home? He debated playing a little PokemonGo but his heart just wasn't in it. 

Coffee in hand, he found a quiet corner seat and unpacked his bag. Placing his earphones over his ears he was back in his own little world. He turned on his music and started reading through e-mails. Responding to a few, but mostly just skimming them and moving to the next. Eventually he gave up with email and moved to tumblr. 

He queued up some posts before he decided to check the phan tag out of habbit. It was definitely a mistake. He realized too late, as he looked at fan art of he and Phil, tears began to well up in his eyes. He continued to scroll and came across a video. The video that got out years before and almost ripped them apart. And now just looking at the thumbnail almost ripped his heart out. He didn’t click on it but scrolled past, once again being bombarded with images of the two of them happy together, laughing, hugging kissing, fucking. Looking at this was like rubbing salt in the wound but he did not click off. Tears were silently flowing down his cheek and he surreptitiously wiped them away with his shirt sleeves. He continued on torturing himself until he felt his phone vibrate the table top. 

Phil:   
We’re done. Were leaving in about 5, just checking to make sure I got everything. 

Dan:  
Okay thanks for letting me know. 

Phil:   
Are you okay? 

Dan:   
Not really. I’m crying in public. 

Phil:   
Oh, Dan. I’m so sorry. 

Dan:   
It’s okay, what else could I do really? 

Phil:  
I have no answers. 

Dan:   
I know, nor do I. 

Dan swiped at his face one more time and took a deep breath. He packed up his bag and took his long-ago-empty mug up to the counter. He went to the restroom and splashed his face with cold water washing away the tear stains left there. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy but he didn't care. 

He walked out on to the street to head back to the flat, the sun starting to set. He climbed the stairs his heart pounding not from exertion, but from nerves. He simultaneously hoped Phil was gone, and also that he was there. He turned the key and knew immediately that he was indeed alone. He dropped his bag and ran pell-mell to the end of the hallway, he pushed open the door to Phil’s room. It was empty. Empty aside from the bed. He sat on the bed and looked down he noticed a small piece of paper on the bare mattress. He unfolded it and read;

Babe,   
I just want to say that this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hope that one day we will be able to be friends again. I hope that one day soon you wake up with a smile on your face and you meet someone who can show you what it is to be free. I hope that you get everything in life you want, and find true happiness. I hope that I will still be in your life to see it, but I understand that that may not be possible. I will always remember our time together as the best years of my life and will always love you. Always. I know this is hard and it hurts right now, but I know that one day you will be happy. Happier than you can ever imagine. You’re wonderful and smart, and beautiful inside and out and now nothing stands in your way to truly be who you are. 

I know for me to ask anything of you right now is selfish and underhanded, but I only want to ask that you to not contact me in any way, for awhile at least. I don’t know if I would be strong enough. All I want to do right now as I write this note is to put all of my things back where they belong, wait until you come home and take you in my arms and never let go. But that would be the most selfish thing of all. I know that, and I hope that you know that too. Maybe not today, but eventually you will. I will never find someone like you, and that is my cross to bear. I love you so much it hurts and letting you go is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but eventually I will be able to look at this time as a wonderful period of my life and that we did indeed do the right thing for both of us. 

I love you, and always will,   
Phil 

 

Dan read the letter as best he could through the tears that were unceasing. As he read the last word he collapsed onto the naked mattress in sobs so uncontrolled he almost could not catch his breath. He cried until no more tears could form, and finally he fell asleep.

 

_______

Phil arrived at his new apartment loading the last box into the lounge. He sat on the floor and looked around. “Was this a mistake?” He said out loud to the empty room. 

He cried silently, holding his phone wishing for Dan to not do as he had asked, and text him. No text came though, and eventually he got up and searched for his sheets. He just wanted to get in bed, cover up and hide from the world a little while. His bed made, Phil climbed in and cried himself to sleep, praying for a text that would never come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more (slightly happier) chapter and that's it. I wrote this alternate version as a challenge to myself, and let me tell you it has been. 
> 
> Kudos and comments would be much appreciated since this chapter definitely took it out of me to write.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is staying friends with the love of your life possible after you break up?

-Months later-

Phil: I think we need to meet up to discuss some things. 

Dan: Like what? 

Phil: Well for one DAPG. What are we going to do about it? 

Dan: Yeah I guess we should. Where you want to meet? 

Phil: Coffee? 

Dan: Sure. When? 

Phil: Tomorrow, about 1:30? 

Dan: Sounds fine. 

Phil: See you 

Dan: Yup. 

__________

 

"Hi" they said in unison. "Well, I see we are still in sync even though we haven't seen each other in a few months." Dan said sitting in the chair opposite Phil's. "How have you been? How is the new apartment?"

"I've been good, mainly. Keeping busy with videos, and getting my apartment to feel like home. It's almost there I think." It wasn't really and he knew it. It wouldn't feel like home for a good long time. Home was still the flat with Dan. He cleared his throat. "How about you? Enjoying having the place to yourself?" 

"You know I hate living alone. I am thinking about moving, but I can't right now because we need it for videos. How are we going to break the news to the fans that we aren't living together anymore? If I stay I need to get a roommate, the place is too big to live in by myself." Dan sighed and leaned back his chair and took a sip of coffee. "How long should we wait to end the gaming channel. We have one more in the backlog of joint videos. I say we give it a month then we put it out there that you have moved out. We have to put on a show that we are still friends though, or they will think that we broke up as a couple. How are we going to do that?" 

"We could do one last Phil is not on fire, and announce that it is our very last one." Phil said, looking down at his hands. "Or do you think we should just let it all die and not say one word, just tweet like normal etc? I don't know if we can really keep up the act for very long but we can use me moving out as the reason we aren't as close." 

Dan swallowed around the lump that was building in his throat. Their relationship had died and this is what was left? A very matter of fact, logistical meeting of how to tell the fans. It wasn't fair. And yeah, yeah, life isn't fair, but sometimes life just feels extra vindictive. "I think we should do the latter. I don't think I could handle a final PINOF, it would be too hard. Like breaking up all over again, and I just recently stopped randomly crying. “

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I don’t think it would turn out too happy. Not the way I pictured it ending.” Phil agreed and gave a watery smile, before taking a drink of his coffee. 

“How did you picture it ending?” Dan looked down at his drink and stirred it.

“Don’t really know. I guess I never pictured an end to it. I guess when one of us died from old age.” Phil shrugged. “I guess we’ll give it a month do a solo vid each, and then slot in the last of our joint videos and then, that’s it. Just not upload anymore? Or should we just continue to make videos for it just not together? We could just keep the channel and if we feel like it we could make our own videos.” 

“I guess that will work. People will wonder why we don’t make videos together anymore though.” Dan looked up, “I think maybe after the month is up we just stop. Let it die off. We just send random tweets and keep up with each other publicly, for a while anyway. I know we said we’d stay friends, but right now it is just too hard for me. I’m just glad we don’t hate each other, which I guess is good.”

“You guess?” Phil said with his eyebrows raised. 

“Yeah I mean, it maybe would be better if I hated you. If I hated you I wouldn't miss you so goddamn much.” Dan said tears bubbling up, “I mean I wish we could be friends, but I don’t know if that is possible. I can’t see myself not just wanting you as more than a friend. I’m still in love with you. How can I be just friends with someone I want in every way.” Tears silently fell down his cheeks as Phil watched not knowing what to do. 

“Oh, Dan...I’m so sorry. I love you too, but I can’t bear the thought of you hating me. I know we did the right thing. And I know that one day you won't feel this way, because you will find someone who will be with you in every way.” Phil reached forward and patted Dan’s knee. 

“Please, please don’t touch me.” Dan begged. Phil pulled his hand away instantly, and looked at it as if it was a horrifying object he had never seen before. 

“I'm sorry.” Phil said sniffing. “Maybe this was a mistake. We should have just talked over the phone. I thought that there was enough time that we would be okay. I was wrong.” Phil took another drink of his coffee and rose. 

Dan watched as Phil walked to the counter and dropped off his empty mug. Phil stopped at the door and looked at Dan, gave a sad smile and walked out. Dan sat for a moment, then finished his drink and practically ran out the door. He had to get outside. He couldn’t breath. Tears were streaming uncontrollably down his face. He hailed a cab, not wanting to be in public, and gave his address. Once home he ran upstairs and cried himself to sleep. 

 

_______

-Three years later-

 

Phil: Coffee?

Dan: Wow that’s random. I guess. Where? 

Phil: The old place? 2 o’clock on Tuesday?

Dan: Yeah I guess. What’s up? 

Phil: Not much just thought of you today, thought it would be nice to catch up. 

Dan: Oh, okay.

________

 

Dan sat in a chair by the window sipping his coffee as he waited for Phil to arrive. His heart was pounding, not really knowing what was coming. He kept looking at his phone, waiting for a text saying that he changed his mind or something but a text never came. Phil finally walked in about quarter after two, and went straight over to Dan. “Sorry I’m late. Let me go grab a coffee and we can chat, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure.” Dan watched Phil walk away. His hair was lighter, no longer black but more of an auburn brown. It suited him even if it was a surprise. Dan has stopped watching Phil’s videos years ago, as it was too hard for him. Phil was still lean, and seemed just a bit more muscular. Dan smiled as Phil made his way back to him carrying a coffee. 

“So, how have you been?” Phil said sitting down in the chair across from Dan, taking a sip from his steaming cup. “You look good. I like the wavy hair. Always had, you know. It looks good on you. Gotten rid of the straighteners, have you?” He smiled his eyes moving over Dan’s form..

“Yeah. Straight hair doesn't really work with this hair cut. I like it too, so much easier than the straight hair. Just get out of the shower and towel dry. I just put a bit of pomade in it to control it a bit. Takes about 2 seconds now. I like yours too. No more black? It looks good.” 

Phil smiled and nodded taking another drink. “Yeah it was too hard to dye it without anyone to tell me I got all of it, so I just went back to my roots. I like it now, but it took some getting used to.” 

“So, what’s up Phil? Why were you thinking of me the other day?” 

“Oh that,” Phil let out a small chuckle, “I was on youtube and one of our old videos came up in my suggestions. I clicked on it. It was the first time since…. since we broke up that I had watched one.” Phil smiled broadly at the memory. 

“Oh, yeah I haven't watched any until recently too.”

“Why did you watch?” Phil said sitting forward taking another drink. 

“Um, well I was showing someone.” Dan said as he looked away. 

“Who were you showing?” 

“His name is Charles. He’s… he’s kind of my boyfriend.” Dan said, looking up to see what Phil’s reaction would be. 

“Oh.That’s nice. What did he think?” Phil said smiling. 

“He laughed. Said I was cute. Said you were cute too.” Dan said. 

“So how long have you been with him?” Phil said, interestedly. 

“Um, about a year. We actually just moved in together. Next weekend we’re going to get a dog.” Dan smiled. 

“That’s great! What kind of dog?” 

“Don’t know yet, probably a mut. We’re adopting. None of that purebred stuff for us.” Dan laughed. “What about you? Do you have someone in your life.” 

“I do actually. Her name is Sylvie. She and I are actually engaged.” Phil flicked an apprehensive glance at Dan. 

“Oh yeah? Sylvie huh? I guess I’m not too surprised you’d end up with a woman.” 

“I hope you don’t think less of me or anything, but I fell in love with her. We met at Tesco’s actually, we were stuck in a really long line, and just started talking. We just clicked, kind of like you and me.” Phil smiled shyly. “This will be her second marriage. She has a five year old daughter, Charlotte. She is the most wonderful little girl, maybe one day you can meet them.” Phil’s eyes became bright talking about the women in his life, and Dan smiled affectionately. 

“Maybe. I would like that.” Dan nodded, “And you could meet Charles.” 

“Yeah, that would be nice. How did you meet him?” 

“I actually met him in uni, but didn’t remember him. We met again a year or so ago while I was at a coffee shop and he recognized me. He liked me in uni apparently but heard that I had a boyfriend so he didn’t make a move back then.” Dan pulled out his phone, “Here is a picture, from christmas. He came with to my parent’s then we drove to his parent’s the next morning. We grew up about an hour away from each other. It worked out really well.”

“He is very good looking. You didn’t remember that jawline? You must have loved me.” Phil joked nudging Dan with his elbow. 

“I did.” Dan said smiling. “I always will to some extent. You were the love of my life, Phil. But that doesn't mean I can’t be happy and in love with him. He makes me so happy. We love each other very much. I’m really glad you found someone too.” 

“I am too. I really do love her, very much. It isn't quite the same as you, but I think it is really healthy. Not that you and I weren’t, but she and I are separate people who live lives alongside of one another not the same life with each other, if you know what I mean?”

“I get exactly what you mean. Charles is very different from me, gets me out of my comfort zone sometimes. Pushes me to be more myself. You and I were great together, and I think I would have been happy with you forever. But I think if we stayed together our world would be so closed off from reality, we were in our own little safety bubble.” Dan smiled. 

“Exactly.” Phil pulled out his phone and scrolled for a minute. “Here is a picture of the three of us at the zoo. Charlotte loves the lions too. Although I think I influenced her a little.” Phil said smiling, his tongue poking out the side as he looked at the picture. “Her father is no longer in the picture. As soon as Sylvie and I get married I am also signing adoption papers, so she will legally be my daughter. Would you like to come to the wedding? We’re getting married in October.”

“Wow, that soon? That’s only a few months away. I would love to come. Are you sure you can fit us in in the guest list?” Dan said surprised. 

“Yes of course we can. We didn’t want to wait too long. We’re both in our thirties and we want to have at least two more kids. Also we just really do love each other so much, we didn’t want to wait. When I met her, I actually thought to myself that she was the one.” 

“That’s great Phil. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. So do you think Charles is the one?”

“You know, I think he might be. We have been talking about making it official. Maybe my wedding will be next. We would like kids at some point, but right now we’ll settle for a dog.” Dan sat back in his chair smiling up at Phil. “I can see myself loving him for the rest of my life. And raising kids with him makes my stomach do little happy flips when I think about it. He’s wonderful, and would make a great dad.” 

“I’m really glad we did this. I still miss you sometimes, you know. I miss our friendship. You think we could be friends again?” Phil said nervously. 

“I think that could be arranged. I miss it too. There have been so many times over the years that I have seen something, or done something and thought about you. Now when that happens I guess I can text you about it.” 

“That would be good. I look forward to it.” Phil smiled. “You’ll have to give me your address, so I can send you an invitation to the wedding. I am really looking forward to it.”

“I bet.” Dan smiled, “ How is the rest of the Lester clan?”

“Oh they’re great. It took my mom a while to get used to us not together anymore. She missed you a lot.” 

“I know she still sends me christmas cards.” Dan laughed. 

“How does she feel about Sylvie and Charlotte?”

“Oh my god, you have no idea. She loves being a grandma and spoils Charlotte rotten. She really likes Sylvie too. ‘Insists that she call her mum. Sometimes I think she likes them more than she likes me.”

“Well that is saying something then, isn't it?” Dan laughed. “I can just picture your mom being the ultimate gran.”

“She comes to visit all the time, I swear just to throw the rules out the window when it comes to Charlotte. I mean, no bedtimes, cake for breakfast, everything! She has no control! When she leaves we have to reel Lottie back in again.” Phil laughed, “Last time she was here Lottie got her sleep schedule so out of whack it was like yours. She was nocturnal. And grandma let her watch a scary movie! Here I am a grown man and she still insists I shouldn’t watch Nightmare on Elm Street.”

“What did she let her watch?” 

“Child’s play!” 

“Oh my god! What was she thinking?”

“I am fairly sure she didn’t know it was a scary movie, and we were having a Date night. When we got back home Lottie was so horrified she had to sleep with us for a month and we had to get rid of all of her dolls. I can’t be too mad at my mum though, she fell asleep at the beginning of the movie and had no idea until we told her. She felt bad for months.” Phil shook his head, “Lottie wants to watch it again. I think she will be the toughest kid in her class. She said that it wasn’t that scary. We of course won’t let her. We told her it was broken.”

“Good parenting Phil. Already lying to her?”

“It’s for her own good.” Phil said smirking. “She is only five. Speaking of Lottie, I promised her we could go to tea today, so I should be getting back soon. It has been great hanging out, I wish I didn’t have to leave so soon.” 

“That’s okay, Charles and I have plans with friends from his firm later tonight. A game night. Should be fun. A couple of lesbians, Carol and Lynn. We have a great time offending each other playing cards against humanity. Carol works at his firm. Leave it to Charles to bond with the only other LGBTQ+ person there. They’re great. I should be getting home soon too, gotta help clean and get the food ready.”

“His firm? Is he a lawyer?”

“Oh, yeah. Remember we met a uni. He stayed and graduated, obviously. He is a contract lawyer, the dullest of lawyers.” Dan laughed, “He isn't dull, but his professional focus is about as exciting as watching paint dry. It works out well for me for multiple reasons though. I can be boring as all hell and still be exciting to him. And he has very solid hours, so he is home everyday at the same time. He sometimes works from home which is great. It’s also pretty stress free, he’s very easy going. I told him I would be home by 3:30 and still have to stop and grab some things at the store before I get there. I guess we’d better get going.”

“Yeah, If I’m late Lottie will be disappointed, and Sylvie will give me the ‘look’.” Phil smiled. “We’ll have to do this again sometime.”

“Yeah, that would be great. You think Sylvie would like to do a game night sometime?” 

“She will kick all our butts at Cards against humanity. She is hilarious and can be very cheeky. Just give her some wine and she’ll blow you away. One of her best features. I love it.” 

“Sounds like a plan then. Just let me know when you guys are up for a game.” Dan said standing. “I look forward to meeting the woman who stole your heart.” 

“Eww, what was that sentence?” Phil said laughing, as he followed Dan to the door. 

“Haha sue me, sometimes I speak like a greeting card.” Dan said elbowing Phil playfully in the side. “Well I guess this is it, I’ll see ya later. Just let me know when you guys feel like hanging out.” 

“I will. Don’t forget to text your address, too so we can send the invite.” Phil smiled.

“I feel like we should hug or something. Would that be okay, you think?” Dan asked 

“My god, yes!” Phil said pulling Dan into a tight hug. “I really did miss you. I’m really glad you’re back in my life.”

“Me too, Phil, me too.” Dan said as he pulled away smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this story as a challenge to myself, it was hard to write a break up between these two. It was hard to find reasons to be honest. I think it all worked out. Even though they're broken up I couldn't have it end on an unhappy note.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be at least one more chapter to this to finish it off, but don't get your hopes up they will not be getting back together. This is a break up and it will (sadly) remain that way. 
> 
> If you want to know how it works out though please come back and read to the very end of this alt fic. If anything it might make you feel better about the break up in general.


End file.
